anchor down

Maybe I’m crazy,

but I think somewhere deep down you have feelings for me.

They may not be dominant, but

I feel like that look was an indicator.

This whole year it hasn’t hit me that I’m a senior, and I feel like I’m not alone with that sentiment. I mean between newspaper and AP classes and college applications, why would I bother to stop and think about it? About this chapter of my life ending, I mean I had stuff to get done.

And that’s an easy mindset to get caught up in. To put life on pause in order to get that next item checked off a to-do list. But maybe that’s not what life’s about, in fact it’s not.

And I don’t know what it is about necessarily. Maybe it’s the leaf I observed in our school’s courtyard. Maybe it’s sitting on the porch eating ice cream with my family. Maybe it’s going over to my best friend’s house to sit through 10 episodes of One Tree Hill. Maybe it’s untangling a knot in a necklace. Maybe it’s swing dancing on a Saturday night in front of Krispy Kreme. Or maybe it’s staring at the night sky. The sky which could be divided into 13 million pieces and still hold 10,000 galaxies in each section. 10,000 galaxies with billions and billions of stars.

I have my regrets, but don’t we all?

I certainly don’t want to be the girl who

gets into a relationship for the wrong reasons.

gets into one for the right reasons, but pushes away out of fear.

Takes her stress out on those around her

Forgets to go out and have fun

Picks apart her cuticles

Is defined by accomplishments

But then again I’ve become the girl and want to continue to be the girl

Who tries to be a good friend

Who ran as hard as she could at Cross Country, and kept running despite all of the injuries

Who makes sure her brother‘s TV is turned off because he fell asleep

Who practiced the Entertainer for 6 year so she could play it in honor of her deceased great Grandma

Who will keep trying to figure it out

So, I guess regrets and all, I know I’m going to be okay, and I can continue to strive to be my ideal self. As can all of you.

I don’t know why I’m sharing this, and if you read it – I thank you. But graduation is coming and a part of me is sad to let go, but I’m ready. All of us are.

It may take awhile, it may be after a few tears and breakdowns. And even when you think you’re past all that, you may snap and go straight back down that road. But it’s something you will be able to make it through with the help of your friends and family or even on your own.

Just remember, it’s not about the tangible.

Though its more shortlived every time, thoughts of you still surface.

Today we took a test to measure quantitatively how many stressful factors we’ve had to deal with over the past 12 months.

I managed to score highest in my class.

So I’ve dedicated a lot of time to think about what all happened this year, and I suppose it was a lot.

From college decisions to his death on Thanksgiving, I’m surprised I haven’t permanently crumpled up in the fetal position on the ground.

Hell I’d love to do that but I guess something stops me from doing so. Not to say I’m the master of handling stressful situations, I’m not.

I just figure I need to keep going.

He/she is who you would go talk to about it.

Butcha can’t.

Its kinda depressing when you have nothing left to say to someone you used to talk to all the time

I’m tired.

Nothing feels right.

I don’t know where I’m supposed to go.

And while I’m here pondering life I might as well throw something else on here. Haven’t truly written in a bit; it feels nice.

I’m not saying what I’m about to because I feel a need to celebrate or something - it’s just a change in mindset for me.

Freshman and sophomore year I was constantly dating someone. Looking back I realize it was a little excessive but those relationships just happened and were good learning experiences.

Except as a result junior and senior year I think I got a little needy and worried too much about boys. Especially after making a great friend this year, who helped me immensely.

And while I appreciate him, I don’t want to worry about “finding someone.” I’m more excited to think about my own future rather than worry about one with someone else.

So here’s to that single lyfe.

In a month I’ll need to figure out where I want to go to school. Sometimes I’m excited  and ready to leave. Other times, the thought of this decision sends me into a near panic attack. It terrifies me to leave behind a place where I’ve grown comfortable. But life’s not about getting comfortable. I want to challenge myself and grow and see what there is out there. It’s not here sitting on the couch watching basketball with my family. I love these moments, and I don’t think there will be a time or place where I can’t come home to this. But I know I can’t stay.

The friendships that matter, those will remain. And losing touch with people won’t mean that they were never important. They were, but some people aren’t meant to stay and that’ll be tricky to come to terms with, but it can be done.

I have no clue where I’ll be, but I’m about ready to start.

I miss my friend.

Death itself isn’t positive.

But at least in his dying, she’s made a best friend who will be there for her.

I get lonely sometimes.

It’s all catching up.

And I don’t know what to do.

You really screwed me up.

And I’m usually fine.

I just want it to stop.

Coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t/never has been me.

And it’s not because of who I am.

But because I happened at the wrong time.

Maybe we could have been

And that would have been really nice.

But I can’t compete with those feelings you’re holding on to

And I don’t want to compete.

I’m glad I got a good friend out of this.

And I hope you don’t think I pathetically mope around for you

Because I don’t.

I recognize the importance of other things.

And I just want you to be happy.

But why should I sit around on my arse waiting for good things to happen?

I have the choice to take some initiative to make good things happen.

And some things (people) aren’t necessarily worth waiting for. 

So I’d rather do what’s meaningful to me.

Find who’s meaningful to me

and surround myself with these people/things.

And let the rest fall into place.

But I’m not going to “wait it out”